Insert nozzle and pour in gently.
Tennis pro turned pundit Selwyn Duke has set a lofty goal: to be the biggest douche in the entire right-wing blogosphere. Women, minorities and gays get Mr. Duke's tennis shorts into a massive bunch; he's convinced that anyone who isn't exactly like him is out to get him. Mr. Duke's star is rising amongst conservatives and he's been approvingly quoted and/or featured by the likes of Michelle Malkin, Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage, who presumably believe that the sentiments excerpted below will help the Republican Party win back America. And now, the first installment of a Voucher Ankles Special Feature: Selwyn Duke: Total Douche. Today's edition: Selwyn Duke on Women.
His 2004 essay "That Female Ego" is an excellent entry into the mind of Selwyn Duke. (Hip waders recommended.)
It occurred to me a while back, as I thought about my chauvinistic teasing of a woman who is very close to my heart, that I had stumbled into genius. For if you're looking for a litmus test for a prospective wife there's none better then that of the tweaking of the modern female ego. All you need do is utter words such as "You do that very well . . . for a girl" with a twinkle in your eye and a boyish smirk on your face, and observe what ensues. Her reaction will tell you more about her than any computer dating service or impromtu little encounter session ever could. For as sure as night follows day, the degree to which her reaction is negative will be directly proportional to the degree to which she's been inculcated with feminism.Nice reasoning, Massengill. Alternate theory: Her reaction is negative because you're a douche.
It works like a charm because while feminism has sought to help women achieve parity with men in all areas of life, there is one area where women have not only equaled men but have actually outstripped them hands down: ego.Trust me: Mr. Duke knows all about ego.
Most of us — this includes most men and the women who have their feet on the ground [the feminist ones will just bristle at the observations contained herein and perhaps become, er . . . uh, hysterical — wink] — know what constitute fightin' words around the prototypical modern sheila, or PMS [a little Australian lingo there]. Just make even a vague allusion to male superiority in a certain field of endeavor and her ire will be raised, making you a prime target for a good hen-pecking.Ha ha. "PMS" for "woman." Get it? He's so proud of this joke he uses it eight more times. (He's not Australian, btw. New York born and bred.)
But what does the PMS's bristling at such a statement of obvious fact and her protestations to the contrary tell you about her?Whew! The man can really lob those PMS jokes. How does he do it?
. . .
But what would happen if you were to make such a comment to a PMS — "You serve really hard for a woman," hmm?
. . .
But the PMS has such a large chip on her shoulder that if it's true that pride goeth before the fall, then all of western femaledom stands on the precipice.
. . .
If the feminist-grown PMS ego only came into play when debating trivial subjects like sports ability, it would be a matter of little import. But tragically, pride does goeth before the fall and the PMS ego affects many areas of life.
. . .
But the PMS's compulsion to flex her ego and engage in one-upmanship with her husband changes the model from a complementary one to a competitive one.
. . .
I'm telling you this because you've been raised in the age of the PMS, so you may not even know that the majority of women weren't always afflicted with her mental disorder.
. . .
And one last word of advice: if the woman you're with fails the test, she's a PMS, and then your course of action should be clear. Run as fast as you can and don't look back — run like the wind, young man.
Then I think back to when I used to teach tennis full time.Oh right. Thanks for reminding me.
For example, if I say that I can beat my ninety-five year old aunt in tennis any day of the week, it's not necessarily a statement that's motivated by ego. After all, she is an elderly woman who doesn't play tennis whereas I am a professional player who spent some time competing on the circuit.You were on the circuit, huh? Good for you.
For instance, make the completely correct claim that women are not as good in sports as men and you'll reap the whirlwind.Men are physically superior. Check! Thank you.
After all, the women's world record for the mile of 4:13 pales in comparison to even the boys' high school record, which is about 3:52.Dude, are you insecure about something? Please shut the fuck up.
Hey, who doesn't love a good PMS joke. (Mr. Duke loves nine in a row!) If you're offended, Selwyn would probably direct you to his 2007 essay "The Offensiveness of Taking Offense":
Whether it's an off-color joke or colorful commentary, it's now hard to make anything but the most plain vanilla statements without offending somebody...So my answer to the offended is, you have every right to be offended. Now, grow up.Well whattya know! Mr. Duke and I actually find common ground on this one! I'm a liberal who's no fan of P.C. oversensitivity. It must follow that the conservative Mr. Duke is no no fan of the kind of sanctimonious offense often taken by the right.
Oh look. Here's an article he wrote in 2005 which he begins by explaining that while the behavior of the female soldiers at Abu Ghraib was "not torture," it did "reflect the licentiousness and depravity that have come to so characterize our culture." (The men involved get no mention.) Then, in perhaps the Greatest Segue Ever, he perceives a direct connection from Pvts. Lyndie England and Deanna Allen to "Laura Bush's prurient comedy routine at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner."
Among other things, the first lady called herself a "desperate housewife," alluding to the popular TV show which has featured women who cheated on their husbands. She also said that her husband has learned a lot about ranching since the day he "tried to milk a horse . . . a male horse," and quipped about going to Chippendales with Lynn Cheney.Yes, he just accused Laura Bush of "sexual impropriety."
I can see the rolling of eyes now. Okay, don't misunderstand me, I don't claim that Laura Bush's words rise to the same level of egregiousness as the two young ladies' deeds. No, there is definitely a hierarchy here, one that ranges from mere words uttered in jest to the degradation of willing participants to the degradation of unwilling ones. But make no mistake, it is a hierarchy whose elements are to be found in the same category. That is, that of sexual impropriety.
Now, I realize that my taking exception to the first lady's remarks places me in a mocked minority.You think?
Why, I even heard pundit Bill O'Reilly label people in my camp "extremists." So, I would ask a couple of questions: would O'Reilly want to explain to his audience, in intricate detail, the meaning behind the "milking the male horse" joke? And, how many of us would be willing to explain same to our children? Enough said.Like a lot of conservatives, Mr. Duke has trouble keeping his principles straight. One minute he's telling everybody to lighten up, the next he's grasping for the fainting couch because a grown-up Texas woman told a "horse milking" joke from 1847. Why is it okay for Boyish Smirk O'Twinkle Eyes to make menstrual jokes but not okay for the First Lady to engage in livestock humor? Because the First Lady...is a woman! Maybe Mr. Duke really is some kind of genius. He is the first person to ever make me feel sympathetic towards Laura Bush. Like any true douchebag, Mr. Duke simply can not leave well enough alone.
Yes, Puritanism is one extreme and were we to embrace it, we could rightly be labeled as obsessed. But this fixation on sex is the other extreme and we are guilty of it, and this does make us obsessed. The flesh isn't dirty, but neither is it a toy. And "If it's funny, say it" is like saying, "If it feels good, do it." Continually thinking about sex is like continually thinking about food: it is by definition "obsession."Obsession is the word.
The fact of the matter is that all three of these events are emblematic of a gratuitously sexualized society, and one that has lost the concept of shame. Shame is the word, because there was a time when "Don't shame the family" - delivered in a stern tone - was a ubiquitous admonition. It also had its corollaries, such as "Don't shame the cause," "Don't shame the organization" and, most significantly here, "Don't shame your country."I give him credit for, unlike Rush Limbaugh et al, at least finding something offensive about Abu Ghraib. But his objection is solely focused on the outward vulgarity of the women soldiers and he makes a point of dismissing more than once the "shrill accusations" about the criminal implications of the events. It's females behaving badly, not torture per se, that really disturbs him. (Indeed in an article that was quoted by Limbaugh he complains that the "feminization" of our culture makes us "eat ourselves alive over the humiliation of the guilty" at Abu Ghraib.) Thus is he able to make a direct connection from the Baghdad prison to Laura Bush's lowbrow joke at a journalists dinner.
You see, every time we shame ourselves we vindicate some of the accusations of those bent on our destruction. The Muslim world accuses us of being decadent - the "Great Satan." Well, it's bad enough that we have a popular culture that generates noxious cultural effluent that disperses far and wide in the seas of the soul of man. It's bad enough that we have a few military girls behaving badly, and a media that seizes upon their moral failings to sell papers and hurt political opponents. Now enters Laura Bush, Mrs. Family Values herself, auditioning for the position of poster-girl for libertine western morals. "The President's wife says she goes to strip clubs"; "The President's wife says she cheats on her husband," the propagandists will say. Of course, they could simply tell the truth, which is that her comments were in jest. That would be damning enough."Whether it's an off-color joke or colorful commentary, it's now hard to make anything but the most plain vanilla statements without offending somebody." Also: A woman telling a horse dick joke could cause the next 9/11.
Oh, women! By turns frustrating and dangerous! Is there no escape?
In very real terms, we have fewer choices because of the tyrannical enforcement of this theology of diversity. If I want to join a single-sex club or organization [especially one that's exclusively male], I now have fewer choices than ever before.Ooh, I want to join the Selwyn Duke Exclusively Male Men's Club for Men [Selwyn Duke (Man), President]. But the women won't let me! *raises fist to sky* DAMN YOU, WOMEN!!!!!!
-Selwyn Duke, "The True Measure of Diversity"
On the same theme, from an earlier essay:
Anyone who thinks that we're not experiencing a moral crisis either has his head in the sand or his hands on the throat of decency. The fact is, that we're spiraling downwards toward the very nadir of moral turpitude at an ever accelerating speed.Let me guess: a lady told a limerick?
One of the more recent in this line of works that would make the Marquis de Sade proud is a play by Eve Ensler called "The Vagina Monologues."So close!
Well, the title is self-explanatory in this case, as it is, believe it or not, about women sitting around and talking about that most private of their parts. This must be a fringe work only to be found in Greenwich Village or Haight-Asbury you say? Think again; this classless exhibition is all the rage in the realm of contemporary American theater according to Marc Peyser, who wrote a piece about the play in the February 18th issue of Newsweek.Of course he'd have to speak his piece about Eve Ensler's thoughtful, funny, serious and utterly unexploitational play ("The BLEEP! Monologues," 2002). It's been a major bugaboo for years amongst conservatives who've neither seen nor read it. On account of it has VAGINA in the title! Apparently, this "Vagina Monologues" problem is widespread!
He reports that it's being performed in six different venues across the nation; moreover, productions of it are appearing on an unbelievable 550 college campuses as well. Not surprisingly, given the fact that cultural poison has become one of our biggest exports, it's also being performed in 31 countries and has been translated into 26 languages. It's not a revelation though that people like Ensler, who are willing to prostitute themselves for fame exist. Having a few nuts in a population of 284 million is par for the course, so, this in and of itself isn't damning - it's not much of a social barometer. What does speak volumes about present day America however, is the fact that there are so many second degree nuts that these first degree nuts get exposure and a place at the table. And Marc Peyser's article exemplifies this problem...Firstly, he, like so many others, lends this trash credibility by treating it as if it's a serious work.A nut who writes trash comes to mind but it isn't Eve Ensler.
For instance, Mr. Peyser states that the college girls who have embraced the play are the "most liberated of all" by it, and the clear implication is that this is a good thing. So much for non-judgementalism.Laura Bush joking about milking horses fills him with apocalyptic dread and a young women's discussion group on the theme of their sexual/biological selves brings visions of Nazi tanks. The man is a tinderbox. I don't know if there are twelve-year-olds with such a powerful mental conflation of sex and terror. He must be a trip in the sack, assuming anyone's had the privilege. (Good thing I'm not a woman or that joke might've triggered World War III.)
Now, this brings us to the issue of "liberation;" we tend to talk as if liberation is a virtue in and of itself. Many female college students have been so liberated by this play that they have created what they call "Vagina Clubs" at their schools. But how often do people stop and ask what they're being liberated from? When the Nazis first invaded the Soviet Union they were greeted as liberators, until that is, the Russian people realized they were jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
Seriously, I doubt that the man will ever write anything better than that last paragraph. It is a masterpiece of wingnuttia. I gotta read it again.
Now, this brings us to the issue of "liberation;" we tend to talk as if liberation is a virtue in and of itself. Many female college students have been so liberated by this play that they have created what they call "Vagina Clubs" at their schools. But how often do people stop and ask what they're being liberated from? When the Nazis first invaded the Soviet Union they were greeted as liberators, until that is, the Russian people realized they were jumping from the frying pan into the fire.Holy. Fucking. Shit. The man is a genius.
Now, this brings us to the issue of "liberation;" we tend to talk as if liberation is a virtue in and of itself. Many female college students have been so liberated by this play that they have created what they call "Vagina Clubs" at their schools. But how often do people stop and ask what they're being liberated from? When the Nazis first invaded the Soviet Union they were greeted as liberators, until that is, the Russian people realized they were jumping from the frying pan into the fire.I love that so much. Does it ever get old?
So anyway. When it comes to women, Selwyn Duke has issues.
I don't know, my attitude is that if women can leave a toilet seat down, men can leave it up.Spoken like a true douche. (Sentence excerpted from a 14-paragraph essay about how women talk a lot and how that doesn't make them better than men.) Anway, yes: issues with women. Especially (don't say you didn't see it coming) women with jobs.
I cringe every time I hear the we-must-appoint-a-woman mantra or the-fairer-sex-will-save-the-day schtick, but it’s not just blind chauvinism. Call it informed chauvinism. You see, the governing principle here is that finding a traditional woman in the political arena is a little like finding a NOW member in a full-length burka.The future of conservatism, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, Selwyn, I made a poster for you:
Think about it: generally speaking, where do you find good, conservative, traditional women? The answer is in the home, not the House. Traditional women are usually devoted to traditional endeavors, such as raising their children and tending to hearth and home. And when they are forced by necessity into the workaday world, they’re usually doing merely what is required to put three squares on the table. They’re not seeking to exalt themselves through careerism.
-"As A Matter of Fact I'm Not Happy It's a Woman", 2005
In the next installment of Selwyn Duke: Total Douche: Selwyn on minorities.