Oy, what a day. Busy, busy, busy and pouring rain. My auditions were as follows:

1) Thera Flu radio voiceover, a la Denis Leary. Denis Leary is a very popular "type" in the voiceover world and they often ask you to imitate him. Well, they say don't literally say imitate, they say "think Denis Leary," meaning comically angry and manic. But not too angry and manic. We don't want to scare the listeners. Just give us a sort of Denis Leary attitude. On my script today they had actually written "Denis O'Leary." I assumed they meant Denis Leary, but maybe they really meant "Denis O'Leary," who I think was the husband of the woman whose cow started the Chicago fire. Damn. I should've done it like him.

2) Verizon, on-camera commercial. In this audition I played a guy directing a Verizon TV commercial. Tres meta! This commercial employs that ancient vaudeville staple, the "lower/higher" routine. This routine, which you have no doubt seen in Looney Tunes or Abbott & Costello reruns, goes like this: a hapless performer is auditioning or rehearsing on a stage. (Singing or reciting a monologue or whatever. For our purposes, let us say he is reciting Hamlet's soliloquy.) Meanwhile, several feet behind him, a stage crew is setting up a curtain or backdrop. A director is standing in the house shouting directions to the stage crew re the curtain, but the performer mistakenly thinks the director is talking to him. The comedy of misunderstanding ensues:

Performer: To be or not to be, that is the question...
Director (to stage crew, re placement of backdrop): Higher! (Backdrop is lifted)
Performer (falsetto voice): to be or not to be, that is the--
Director: Lower! Lower! (Backdrop is lowered)
Performer (basso profundo, perhaps squatting a bit to achieve this vocal effect): TO BE OR NOT TO BE...
Director: A little to the left! (Backdrop is shifted left. Performer, still reciting, steps to his left.)
Director: Come forward! (Backdrop is moved forward. Performer does same.)
Director: More, more. Forward more! (Stage crew complies. Performer moves forward step by step, precariously close to the edge of the stage.)
Performer: TO BE OR--
Director: Come forward one more step! (Stage crew complies. Performer takes one more step and falls off the stage.)
And...SCENE.

A classic since the days of Dan Leno and Bert Williams, this routine still slays 'em in the aisles, which is why Verizon's advertising agency has the good sense to use it. Plus, it is 100% public domain comedy--whoever came up with it has been dead for easily a hundred years, so there are no pesky royalty or intellectual property issues to deal with and Verizon's copywriters can get paid without having to expend valuable energy thinking up an original idea. Everybody wins!

In Verizon's take on the routine, we see a TV crew preparing to shoot a Verizon commercial. An announcer practices, script in hand. A director (played by me, I hope I hope) shouts instructions to a crew hoisting a Verizon banner which reads something like "VERIZON: NOW WITH EVEN BETTER SERVICE!"

Announcer (rehearsing): Verizon offers Wireless solutions for you and your family!
Director (played, perhaps, by me): Higher! (Crew lifts banner higher.)
Announcer (high voice): verizon offers wireless solutions for--
Director (American Splendor's James Urbaniak?): Lower! Lower!
Announcer (deep voice): VERIZON OFFERS WIRELESS--
Director (studying the words "EVEN BETTER" on the banner): Let's make it "EVEN FASTER!" (The crew begins changing the words on the banner.)
Announcer: VerizonOffersWirelessSolutionsForYouAndYourFamily!!!
Director (possibly James "Dr. Venture" Urbaniak): Perfect!
Announcer smiles, then suddenly realizes what's been going on behind him. He makes a cute, sheepish expression. End of Commerical.

Ha, ha! Couldn't you just die?!

3) Voiceover audition for Jeep. Radio ad in which I am an English tourist on a safari who is more excited by the Jeep he's in than the animals outside. They wanted "upper crust" so I did Terry-Thomas.

4) Omigod! Another Verizon commercial! I am not even kidding!!! Actually, this one was much simpler. I just had to walk around like I was a businessman in an airport, talking on a cellphone. That's it. No dialogue. No classic vaudeville lazzis. Essentially a modeling job.

5) Arby's radio voiceover. I am a snooty college professor. For their poetry assignment, one of my students reads a poem he wrote...about Arby's!!! D'oh!

Overheard at the Arby's casting place:
Woman to young man: Have you seen the movie "Dead Poets Society?"
Young man (after a pause): Um...Janet Jackson?

Well, that was my day. I hope you've enjoyed this little tutorial on acting, advertising and the history of comedy. As Charlie Rose says, "We'll see you next time."