Lachrymose lupines

This whole Josh Emery business keeps reminding me of the possibly false true story about a woman that tragically believed a fictional true tragedy-comedy.

Salma Hayek: mmm... purrdy
Eddie Izzard: Cake or death!? "I'll have the cake please"
Bono: I'm sorry, you can't win them all... just don't mention anything about the Canadian Prime Minister and maybe he'll leave you alone.

It is not necessary for me to believe Josh Emery is real. I believe that you believe he is real and that is enough.

I'm sorry to say I dated Josh Emery for 18 of the longest months of my life. This was back before he was Mister hot-shit copywriting genius when he was Josh Emery, master of Salvage One and The Ropers trivia. I slaved away doing local radio voiceovers and the occasional handjob for Earl Scheib to support Josh while he was at NYU (later DeVry), where the most artistic thing he did was concoct a bong out of Red Vines. I would come home exhausted at 4 am, and Josh and his buddies would be baked out of their minds, trying to hack the "secret sex content" in The Legend Of Zelda and arguing over whether the Snuffalupagus had a penis and, if so, was it "proportionate."

Plagiarism was already a problem for him. He was kicked off the college paper after it turned out his too-clever-by-half review of Rick Springfield's cinematic masterpiece Hard To Hold was copied from a November, 1984 issue of Cracked. One time he actually had the nerve to "write" me a birthday poem that read, in part, "you make me feel like dancin'." And seriously--I cannot tell you the number of times we were waiting in lines for movies when he annoyed talkative neighbors with the old "I happen to have Marshall McLuhan right here..." routine, which became more disturbing once he showed up, covered in fresh mud, with McLuhan's actual remains.

His ill-advised forays into "entertainment" alternately amused and disgusted me, particularly his tiresome "reinventions" of existing television shows. One of my favorite of Josh's brilliantly original "creations" involved having several bumbling, archetypal castaways hopelessy stranded on a desert island, with no hope of rescue despite a ridiculous weekly rotation of guest stars. Fat guy, skinny guy, beauty queen, genius scientist, the works. I politely referred him to Sherwood Schwartz's Sartre-esque masterpiece, but he said no, his would have a monster. As if.

Later on he made the rounds with a spec-script 'repurposing' of "Battlestar Galactica" as a serious drama, only with "hot chicks instead of robots." I scoffed, but he said not to underestimate the dramatic tension created by "awesome space titties." Mumbled something about Robert McKee, I forget what. I tried to tell him that recasting the role as a woman would not make his cries of "Starbuck!" during our lovemaking any less gay.

When he got into advertising, his first "breakthrough" piece was a tired rehash of the 80s chestnut "The Coffee Achievers." I got the commercial through my own agent, though Josh swore he "bent over backwards" and "stuck his neck out" to get me instead of the then-hot Kristy McNicholl. When Josh found out I'd mocked him in my 'zine, he went into a nine day Nyquil-and-Yoohoo shame-spiral that ended in four point restraints in Teaneck, New Jersey, facing a myriad of charges for assaulting a badger on the lonesome grave of Phil Silvers. I walked away and never looked back, hooking up later that night with a rock musician named Jasper McVain, with whom I shared a long, turbulent affair across the highways and byways of that glorious expanse of ritualistic khaki onanism we call America. But that is a story for another time, a sweet, arousing time filled with the scent of ambrosia and a surreptitious capsule of GHB in my tasty Mug root beer.

I wish Josh only the best, but it doesn't surprise me that he reacted so obsessively to your blunt accusations. I feel somewhat responsible, since the tiresome "higher...lower" bit is one I may have unwittingly planted in his impressionable mind. As for the Clio, Mr. Urbaniak, it doesn't surprise me that he can't find that either.

Please keep this e-mail private and don't post it on your blog with my LJ user name attached, as I'd hate to be on the receiving end of another poisioned pie from Josh's somewhat overprotective mother. Is there anything worse than blueberries tinged with a mother's bitter tears? Other than arsenic, I mean.

Good luck with that movie you're in, and tell Eddie Izzard I said "laproscopic gall bladder removal." He'll laugh knowingly!

Josh Emery responds

I am unfamiliar with Ms Danger. I have not dated her.

I am not calling her a liar. She seems to speak sincerely from experience.

There is at least one other "Josh Emery" in the advertising profession. We are often confused.

It is nice, I suppose, of Mr. Urbaniak to at least publically declare that I exist. Not that I need his support in this regard, but it's nice to see him actually declare something that is not a falsehood. Next we can start on actually restoring my good name as a marketing executive.

Unlike Ms. Danger's same-named ex-boyfriend, I have never, I repeat Never, been accused of plagiarism, until Mr. Urbaniak's unwarranted attack. But we have seen that Mr. Urbaniak regularly attacks people for no other reason but to advance his lucrative career as a blogger. He sits upon his high horse, issuing his edicts with the arrogance and vissicitude of Mussolini, uncaring who he hurts in the process.

Yes, Mr. Urbaniak, there is a Josh Emery. More importantly, there is a legal department of Verizon.

Re: Josh Emery responds

You need to get a LJ sir. Then you can have snappy icons that say "Bitch please," and "Oh no you didn't." That and you don't have to say "Josh Emery responds" like a huge tool.

Re: Josh Emery responds

When I have a Live Journal, I assure you that I will not resort to the kind of snark and disrespect that I see on display here.

In France, where my forebears hail from, sophistication and temperance are prized. These are qualities I hope to one day see restored at Voucher Ankles, but my hopes are not high for Mr. Urbaniak.

As for my subject heading, my name is Josh Emery and I am responding. That might seem clunky and a tad self-important, but it is the best I can do. Most importantly, it is my own construction, plagiarised from no one. I chose it as an example of how I, Josh Emery, am not a plagiarist, in contrast to Mr. Urbaniak's wild, reckless accusations.

And while we're on the subject of plagiarism, it has come to my attention that Mr. Urbaniak's response to "Virginia" is, in fact, plagiarism itself, copied from a famous Daily News article from the early 20th century, regarding Santa Claus, with only some names and disparaging remarks transposed.

Needless to say, I have alerted the Daily News of the existence of this blog and I'm sure they will take the appropriate measures.

Re: Josh Emery responds

ps:

To show that I am not without a sense of humor, I offer this joke.

Q: Why did James Urbaniak cross the road?
A: He was required to by a restraining order, issued by the State of New York, October 14, 2005.

Re: Josh Emery responds

Mr. Emery claims I have "plagiarized" my post to little Virginia from an "early 20th century Daily News" editorial. Mr. Emery is presumably referring to Francis P. Church's famous "Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus" which appeared in the New York Sun in 1897, which the last time I looked was the late 19th century, not the early 20th. But what are facts and history to Mr. Emery, who "spins" the truth like a spider spins his web.

If Mr. Emery, who claims to be a writer, ever took an English class he would understand that my post was not plagiarism but homage. An homage to one of the most famous editorials in the history of American publishing. Every American between the ages of 5 and 100 knows Mr. Church's famous editorial and every one of them would immediately understand that I was "referencing" the work, not "ripping it off." Mr. Emery is not only out of line. He is out of step--with America.

Re: Josh Emery responds

Yes, Josh, I'm the one that's crazy. This is so typical of you. So typical.

What Mr. Emery fails to mention is that the reason he is "often mistaken" for "the other Josh Emery" is because he is the other Josh Emery. He slathers spirit gum all over his face, slaps on a bad goatee and claims to be "evil Josh" from "a parallel universe" and thus not responsible for the consequences of his actions in our "topsy-turvy ethical constructs." Our couples-counselor said he does this as a psychological defense mechanism because he can't deal with the kind of sociopathic choices the ad game requires. It's neither here nor there, because truly, I wish him well.

Not the real Josh Emery. Pish. The next thing you'll be saying is that this entire "blog" is not the blog of devilishly handsome actor James Urbaniak, the dulcet voice of Doctor Girlfriend on The Venture Brothers, but another James Urbaniak, perhaps trying to carve out some internet notoriety on the back of the real Mr. Urbaniak's hard work, rifling through his garbage in the dead of night looking for stray malomars and impersonating him at parties. Perhaps this entire blog is a prank, Josh, and some teenage Urbaniak-stalker is just yanking your chain! Did you ever consider that? One need only look at the numerous Michael Sinterniklaas impersonators online to see what can happen when teenage obsession turns to madness. But then again, I forget who I'm talking to.

Also, I believe your passage about 'sitting on his high horse, issuing edicts with the arrogance and vissicitude of Mussolini, uncaring who he hurts in the process' is plagiarized from our 1996 Christmas letter, which I wrote. But forget it. Maybe you can turn it into a high-concept commercial "audition" to ensnare another of your Venture Brothers fanboy boy-crushes. Still got those Patrick Warburton "Tick" posters in your room, Josh? If only you'd cared about me enough to pin me to the wall now and then. But I digress.

See what you turn me into? It's my fault for caring. I'm sorry I said anything. I wish you the best, Josh, really. Oh, and tell James Earl Jones I said "snausages." He'll laugh ruefully!

Dear Ms. Brennan-Danger,

Thank you for joining the Voucher Ankles community. Your thoughts about Mr. Emery are interesting and enlightening.

One thing: You appear to be under the impression that you were sending me a private e-mail. What you were in fact doing was not "sending an e-mail" but "posting a comment" on a "blog," a public forum. Not to worry--this is a common misunderstanding (Mr. Emery made the same mistake last week). We are the first generation of internet users and we are all learning as we go. O pioneers!

All the best,
James

Mr. Urbaniak lies again.

It was Mr. Mark Helitzer, my colleague from Young and Rubicam, who made the error of posting his private message, not me.

Mark sent the message to Mr. Urbaniak in the hopes of bringing some sort of sanity to this affair. Mr. Urbaniak, of course, not only sneered at the attempt but also decided to insult Mark for his weight problem.

To be fair, Mark does tip the scales at a generous 210. But what Mr. Urbaniak does not take into account is that Mark, only 14 months ago, weighed 260, and has done a great job at slimming down since then.

Mr. Urbaniak, of course, as many of you know, is not overweight. To say the least. No, one would not describe him that way. He is not "fat." He is, one might argue, "skinny." To my knowledge he has never been overweight. This, in his mind, allows him to pass judgment on people who struggle with a weight problem.

As I've noted before, Mr. Urbaniak has a vision of the world where he is perfect and everyone else is inferior. Me, Mark Helitzer, Pete LaTourelle, James Earl Jones, Kevin Spacey, the French, and the entirety of the advertising community, all are cute little straw men for him to knock over as he pleases.

There is a word for this, where you are right and everyone else is wrong: Fascism.

Sorry, forgot to identify myself.

-- signed, Joshua Lawrence Emery

James, thanks for the welcome. At one time I actually posessed both vouchers and ankles simultaneously, so my interest was piqued right away, before I even realized that you were the same actor who played "Ragweed" in that heartwarming Allegra spot. Thanks also for your patience with my technical ineptitude vis-a-vis the whole posting-versus-email conundrum. Until recently I primarily used the internet exclusively for downloading ponnography, which is a more straightforward process.

I should add: I only hope my impolitic remarks about my star-cross'd relationship with the troubled Mr. Emery (well, one of him, anyway, LOL!!) haven't "poisioned the well" here at Voucher Ankles. Usually I'm averse to "LJ drama," but I couldn't just stand by while he abused your good nature so mercilessly. It's unfortunate that some people who work in the entertainment industry are so seriously disturbed.

Response From Anonymous

I wish to loudly declaim these attacks upon my personage. I have never posted to this journal, and if I did so, I would let you know by signing it, as I do below. All other comments claimnig to be me (i.e. anonymous) must be regarded with the deepest suspicion.

Sincerely,
Anonymous (esq.)

Is it bad that I'm more excited about seeing you and Eddie Izzard together in a movie than the others with whom you're working?

And I stopped caring whether or not Mr. Emery is real, as I'm having fun reading the drama.

Thank you for your comment, cat_marie. I would only point out that this blog is three-and-a-half weeks old. This blog is not merely an infant, it is a newborn. Forget about learning to crawl, this blog is just learning to see. This blog is all crying, flailing, drooling instinct. That is perfectly normal for a blog this age and there is nothing to worry about. At this early stage, little Voucher Ankles cannot "degenerate;" it is only just beginning to grow. Voucher Ankles' "tantrums" may be distressing to you but remember that in its naive way, Voucher Ankles is only trying to communicate and that its intentions may not be mean-spirited at all.

The movie "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" is a jukebox musical that employs Beatles song. The movie "Across the Universe" is a jukebox musical that employs Beatles songs, with me in it. Draw your own conclusions.

Re: Cool ties from the 60's

"Across the Universe" is not a "play." It is a motion picture.

Thanks for the link, interesting article. We are all interested in the future, because that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

Re: Cool ties from the 60's

Oh yeah sorry about that. The imdb on this picture doesn't seem to have been updated recently as it does not include any of the interesting characters that you've mentioned above. It does sound like fun though, the world could do with a few more musicals.

Re: Cool ties from the 60's

No problem. I only learned that Eddie Izzard and Bono were in it at my costume fitting yesterday. You heard it here first, Voucher Anklets!

Pull Ze Strings!

Not to flog a brutally mangled equus here, James, but you do realize that a certain internet stalker irate marketing executive may now accuse you of having plagiarized from beloved thespian Jeffrey Jones, don't you?

You do. You're goading him now. I admire that.