James Urbaniak (urbaniak) wrote,
James Urbaniak
urbaniak

Shorter Sarah Palin Resignation Speech



Hi Alaska.

You are great. They laughed at you at first, but you proved yourself great.

My administration has accomplished much, including the ethics reforms we instituted against the unethical. As good conservatives, we eliminated personal luxuries. I do not have a jet or an entourage. I am not luxurious. I'm smiling broadly right now because it's so hilarious to think that I would be in any way greedy! Ha ha! In fact, I recently said thanks but no thanks to money! I resisted stimulus money! Coulda taken it but I believe Big Government spending is obscene.

But you don't hear much good stuff in the press anymore, do you?

When I became a national figure last year, partisan operatives tried to smear me as unethical. Their accusations were so silly! They once said I was unethical because I held up a fish in a photo! Can you believe it? Insane! And you know what? All these silly accusations cost the taxpayers money and time. And I can't get anything done because of all these dismissed charges that are in the past. It's crazy!

Some say: stay in office. Ignore these dismissed charges that are in your past. Stay in office, they say, and do nothing. But that would be the quitter's way. And because I am not a quitter, I am resigning my position. Hence, I will not be doing nothing, but rather, something.

When I am no longer governor I can truly fight for my state. And for my country. I will fight for people who are proud to be Americans. I cannot stay in office and allow your tax dollars to be obscenely wasted Obama-style on silly-billy federal indictments that the liberal media will focus on because they never focus on the nice things. Like our troops.

I recently visited our troops in Kosovo. They are great Americans. They care about what's important. They do not care about wasteful, partisan corruption charges that are totally bogus and in my past. Seriously, I was once told I was corrupt because I held up a fish! Just think about that the next time you hear something "bad" about me. Which you won't. Didn't mean to imply that. May we all learn from our troops. God bless them.

This decision has been in the works for a while. By the way, I want to thank Todd for flying here at the last minute. I also want to thank my spokeswoman who is in New York and couldn't get a flight back in time for this long-planned announcement.

I'm not leaving the court, I'm passing the ball! So our team can win! Go Alaska! Winners!!

In the words of General MacArthur, "I'm outta here."


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